To be honest I am all over the place in a way.
But I can tell it’s coming together. It’s not for nothing. I am a living brainstorming session.
Today I realized that I need to be writing this down. Again.
So here it is – bored to death by a job I think I only ever took because I was wrapped up in the idea of how good it would look on my resume and because I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. And I can. But I am not doing it – not very well anyway – because I don’t believe in it. And I am distracted by things that seem more important.
Here are the things that seem more important:
I have a business. I own a Market America/Shop.com franchise and I believe it has a lot of potential. I am learning to sustain the energy to grow it even when I am exhausted by the necessary overtime at my current day job.
I have a gorgeous son who is three years old and thinks I am the most interesting most beautiful most fun person in the world. I would like to spend more, less exhausted time with him.
My husband, too, is amazing. I may have mentioned him before. We have been through some unique experiences together. I was living in Casablanca, Morocco – teaching English – when we met. Over the years we lived in Turkey and the UAE as well as traveling through India together on what was a long month for him(!) before we ended up int he USA. Just over three years here now and we have spent the entire time day dreaming about when we can get out. We came to study and to gain experience, to give birth to our son and the whole adventure has always had an undefined but clearly necessary end point. Now he works literally an opposite schedule from me as a cook in a hip Cambridge – Harvard Square – restaurant. I see him for a max of 8 hours a week – the only amount of time that over laps when we are both awake and in the house. That isn’t fun. I want to change that yesterday.
My studies. I started this blog just after I earned my Master’s degree. Almost two years later, I know that I want more more education. Lately that looks like a PhD and I have been trailing Tariq Ramadan among a few others in hopes that I can start a relationship with one of them that will lead me to a PhD program at an interesting school. By interesting, I mean – a school that will fund me to explore the impact of Islamic Feminist and reform movements in the West on Islamic thought in Islamic countries. By interesting, I mean not in the US. (I do not hate the United States. I get it. I see what it offers. I have benefited very much from being born and raised in the USA and I do not take that for granted but I also know to leave a party before it all goes fuzzy like a reflection in a fun house mirror).
Finding my passion and earning a living from it. ASAP. I am 16 weeks pregnant with my second child. A few calculations have strongly suggested that I cannot actually afford to go back to the job I am bored with. The cost of daycare and the breaking of my heart at the act of leaving a 12 week old baby in a daycare would make it economically idiotic. So I have essentially 6-9 months to make this work. Some may think it was irresponsible for me to go ahead and make another child when I know I can’t afford it. But I will make some thing happen and I suppose in some way I knew that a new child would send me into action like nothing else.
I will be exploring my options here.
I am thrilled by all of this in the way that one is thrilled by the horror of riding a steep roller coaster or some other amusement park death-defying contraption. I don’t know that I really want to be on but the ride has already started and anyway, I am not the type to turn back.
So for a little while now, this blog is going to be about going for it. All of it. Following my passion and earning a living from it. Making those things that are important to me central to my life, rather than something I long to do in my “spare” time which I never seem to have any of.
It has occurred to me to start a new blog to dedicate to this but I still think the premise of Border Intellectual is relevant here. Still on a journey, still standing on many frontiers, aiming with great pleasure to capture it all in my lasso of truth. I will make it tell me a story and I will pass that story to you.